WHIPPED CREAM AND CHERRIES

         Yesterday I attended a luncheon that included many of our city’s pastors, worship leaders, civic, social, and marketplace ministers. We gathered together to fellowship with an internationally known keynote speaker who had come to speak at our annual “Mayor’s Prayer Breakfast.”

         It was a wonderful time of sharing about what God is doing in our city and casting a new vision among us for how we see ourselves poised and ready to be used in the frontlines of our region. My mind was reeling as I sat with people I had only just met or had a little acquaintance with. My introverted insecurities were raring their ugly heads again. I am the "newbie" to this group in our community and I am often asked to join Bill on these occasions.  God is so good to equip me with confidence in Him when I most need it and He put me at ease as I responded to questions. 

         Even so, I was distracted mentally. Some recent circumstances had cast a shadow on the day’s vision and my heart was heavy. My mind kept playing leap frog over the situation and the lesson I was supposed to be learning from this experience. You know THOSE kinds of lessons, the ones we keep repeating? It was a laborious effort at keeping my mind focused and hopeful. 

         Reminders of a theme from several devotions Bill and I had discussed during the week came to my rescue. It’s interesting how both the devotionals we use as guides for our “Jesus time” often intersect with the same messages. (Oswald Chambers, “My Utmost for His Highest” ©1992 and Sarah Young, “Jesus Calling” ©2004)

         I finally got it. Well, I’m getting it. You probably don’t have these same issues in your life, but as a “recovering perfectionist,” I do. In fact, if you are not a perfectionist, you are blessed. 

         Perfectionists have it right, you know. Doing it right, saying it right, teaching it right, living it right, whatever “it” is, getting it right every time, and all the time sets me up for a self-righteous pride in my accomplishments and performance. “It” becomes a perverted haughtiness or an arrogance that won’t be humbled without an active participation with God.

         In my case, what I believed about my perfectionist self was based on my flawed thinking and more often than I care to admit, God is teaching me how to successfully fail. 

“If one must fail, be a successful failure.” (Thanks, Dad, for that one...meaning, learn, don't repeat.)

         Today, a few sentences in “Jesus Calling” reminded me of this “failure” life pattern that has performed its assignment so well. 

“Because you are human, you will continue to make mistakes. Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of pride. Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses. Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me. I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes. Trust Me, and watch to see what I will do.”

         As is his custom, Bill asked me about my impressions of the day’s reading. I had just underlined that sentence and circled the word “pride.” I recalled a story when I played the piano with a worship team several years ago and how during practice, my performance was flawless but later in front of the congregation, I made the simplest mistakes. When I asked the Lord about it, those were His very words. He was humbling me.

         The “assignment of humility” is but one of the assignments of Life in the kingdom of God. How we are apprehending and appropriating His other assignments for maturing our faith became topics of conversation at the luncheon table. The discussion was a mix of introductions, personal testimonies, Q & A about faith in action, faith in the workplace, strategies, and of course, scripture. A pastor sitting at the end of the table near my seat opened his telephone’s Bible app and read from John 10:1-10. He asked for the two men who were sitting nearest him to share their thoughts about the passage, particularly about Jesus as the “gate” and they did.

         Soon, the waitress brought the numerous checks to all of us and the discussion lapsed briefly as we each grabbed for our wallets. The padded books tending our debit cards stood like sentinels saluting as I heard his question. 

“Kate, do you have something to add about the passage?”

         I had purposely waited to be asked into their conversation, though I knew what God had prepared me to share. Learning to “dial it back a notch” is a new found nugget for my introverted, insecure, over-compensational personality. Some people view me as intimidating, angry, and overbearing and choose not to engage with me because they don’t know how or what to do with me. So my assignment for Life in the kingdom of God has recently been patiently waiting to speak (also known as biting my lips). With a deep breath and measuring my words carefully as only a recovering perfectionist would, I said,

         “Yes, I do. Bill has helped me see that there is an ‘assignment of death’ against the life of every believer. John 10:10 tells us that the enemy of our souls, our adversary comes to steal, kill and destroy. He is a thief whose assignment against me is to create any wavering in my faith. He will use depression, discouragement, disappointments, doubt, fear, unbelief, and dread, hurtful words, illness, relationships, circumstances or any situation to betray, persecute, and wound me.  His goal is to steal my joy, peace and the compassion I have for others and he uses people to deliver his injuries. As a believer, every day when I awaken, I have a choice whether to cooperate with the assignment of Life or Death. Jesus is the Gate.”

         Next I heard, “Hmmmmm…,” followed by a nod of his head and an easy, wide smile that confirmed the landing of my words.

         Please understand, I don’t wake up each morning anticipating problems or temptations to relapse into my perfectionism.  I don’t wonder how the assignment of death will attempt to manifest that day. What I do know is that God equips me fully against the manifestation. It doesn’t mean that the difficulty won’t affect my emotions or my pocketbook, or that I won't be misunderstood. Our motives and our words will be questioned and misconstrued in typical human fashion.

         It doesn’t mean that everything will turn out with whipped cream and cherries on top. Humanly speaking, RARELY do any of our lives turn out perfectly, banana split style. (Remember that it didn’t turn out so great for Jesus either, humanly speaking. Thanks Bob.)

         The very best equipping is knowing who I truly am in Christ and what that really means. He is the hope that is in me, a living, breathing Hope. (Romans 15:13) He is indeed, my Gate.

P.S. My new definition of FORGIVENESS: Permission to fail again; ex. redeemed perfectionist!

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